Amell's Corner - Emotional Abuse

Today’s blog will focus on emotional abuse within relationships.

Emotionally abusive relationships are characterized by control games, jealousy, withholding sex and emotional contact, isolation, manipulation, humiliation, verbal abuse, intimidation, refusal to ever be pleased with you, and constantly belittling you and disguising it as advising or teaching. 

With time, the effects of emotionally abusive behaviours wear away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, and trust in self-perceptions and self-concept, cutting at their very core and creating scars far deeper than any physical ones (Engel 1992, p.10).

Other long-term effects of emotional abuse include:

·Depression
·Withdrawal
·Low self-esteem and self-worth
·Emotional instability
·Sleep disturbances
·Physical pain without cause
·Suicidal ideation, thoughts or attempts
·Extreme dependence on the abuser
·Underachievement
·Inability to trust
·Feeling trapped and alone
·Substance abuse

You may find after reading this that many of these things have been done to you or have maybe been attitudes or behaviours you’ve had in a relationship at some point in your life. This doesn’t necessarily mean you are an abuser or are being abused; we're all human and make mistakes! The main thing to bear in mind is that emotional abuse has a clear and consistent pattern, so if you notice such behaviours occurring consistently, it's time to start ringing the alarm bells.

Many may think that surely any adult in such a situation would be able to identify when someone is doing this to them and immediately remove themselves from the situation, right?......... Wrong!

One of the abuser's specialities is mind games. It’s alarming how effectively abusers brainwash their victims, convincing them that their behaviour is normal and the victim is at fault. A common sign of an abusive relationship is making the victim feel they are not good enough and that the abuse is a result of their own inadequacy.

The abuser breaks their victim down into such a state of self-doubt, dependency and self-ridicule that they willingly take responsibility and blame for their abuser's actions, questioning their own sanity and wondering if they are overly sensitive, overreacting, or even provoking the abuse themselves. 

Abusers often convince their victims not to leave, promising to change. Empty promises become the norm, and the more times the victim takes the abuser back, the more control the abuser will have over them. To break the cycle, remember to pay attention to the abuser's actions and not merely their words. 

Emotional abuse doesn’t only happen between partners; it can happen between friends, family members or even work colleagues, from all ethnicities, religions, economical backgrounds, sexualities and ages. No matter how attractive, old or smart a person is, he or she can be a victim of emotional abuse.

Why people get into and stay in such relationships is hard to pinpoint. There are far too many individual differences to isolate how and why it happens; the main concern is that it happens a lot! 

Emotionally Abusive Behaviour

The general patterns of abusive behaviour include:

Aggression -     

·      Aggressive behaviours are usually direct and obvious, such as name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering, undermining the equality essential to healthy adult relationships.
·      The abuser can use things such as criticizing, advising, probing and offering solutions as a disguise to belittle, control, or demean the victim....

Denial - 
·      If confronted, the abuser may deny it ever happened, undermining their victim’s perceptions, saying, “I don't know what you're talking about. I never said that.” They often deny any of their victim's viewpoints or feelings that differ from their own.
·      The silent treatment is also a common tactic used, where the abuser refuses to listen or communicate with the victim, emotionally withdrawing from them as punishment.

Minimizing - 
·      When minimizing, the abuser may not deny their actions but may question the victim’s emotional reaction to them, saying, “You’re too sensitive.” They trivialise the occurrence, suggesting their victim's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not to be trusted.

Trust yourself - you know more than you think!

If you feel something isn’t quite right, chances are it probably isn't. Trust yourself. You know more than you give yourself credit for. You don’t need anyone other than yourself to tell you things aren’t right and that you deserve better. Your heart is trying to do that for you.  

How did I get here?

No one intends to be in an abusive relationship. It is often the case that people who were verbally abused in their childhood or previous relationships find themselves in similar situations as an adult. Childhood verbal abuse can affect the victim's ability to set their own standards, develop their own viewpoints and validate their own feelings and perceptions; hence, abusive behaviour may feel familiar, even comfortable, though destructive.

Ironically, abusers are often likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive environments themselves, and they develop abusive behaviours as a way to cope with the powerlessness, hurt, fear and anger they may experience. They are consequently attracted to people who see themselves as helpless or have not learned to value their feelings, enabling them to feel more secure and in control and to avoid having to deal with their own feelings and issues.

By understanding the patterns in your own relationships, especially with family, friends and other significant people, you will be able to identify who you are in a relationship; and by knowing yourself and understanding your past, you can prevent abuse from being recreated in your life. 

Time to Leave

It is important to note that an abusive person will not change without some form of intervention. Staying in the relationship will not make the abuser change their ways; it will only encourage their behavior. 

By staying in an abusive relationship, you are condoning it. It is important that you protect yourself and any children involved by leaving. Try calling family or friends, or look online for support groups and organisations that can help. 

Once you leave, the abuser may beg for forgiveness, but don’t look back until you have spoken to their counselor and ensure they have completed long-term therapy successfully. Once you have left, be prepared for the abuse to increase, as the abuser has lost control. More than three women are murdered by their partners every day, so please be careful.

If your partner is not willing to seek help for their abusive behavior, your only option is to leave!  It may seem hard at first, but with time you will realize you deserve better and that your decision was the best one.